So here again I go… down that smokey, crater-pocked, ranting road – bringing nonsense and jibber-jabber out into the bright sunlight where one would expect it to shrivel up and die like so many witches who have had houses dropped on them.
These items will go on, almost like a ballad by Celine Dion, and continue to curse society as a whole for God only knows how long.
On with the show!
ITEM NUMBER SEVEN
Violence perpetrated by young girls.
Where did this come from?
Back in the day, girls were supposed to be the fairer sex – not the one that will shank you with a pair of scissors for talking trash on Facebook.
What is the source of this simmering anger in today’s generations of teens? Who is causing this?
Is this a product of the generational battle for women’s equality?
Is it some bizarro manifestation of penis envy?
Have girls come to the realization that the only way that they can top their male classmates physically is to go bat-shit crazy at the drop of a hat in ways that most guys would never consider?
Young men are often perplexed because they don’t know how to react if a girl gets violent with them because – despite outward appearances – boys still adhere to the ages-old mantra that females are delicate and therefor not to be roughed up.
I say screw that!
Boys, if you’re reading this, fight back!
If a girl thinks her pants are big enough to take a swing at you, and it connects, feel free to slug her back.
Equality for women works both ways – not just the positive things like bigger paychecks.
It means equal treatment, and equal treatment means that they can get a whole hearted return on all their actions – they should be perfectly ready to take any bruises that they have coming to them as a result of things they’ve done.
Call me a brutish caveman if you like, but fair is fair.
ITEM NUMBER EIGHT
12 year old girls that have cleavage that would put Barbie to shame.
Twenty-two years ago, when I was 12 years old, my female peers were flat as a lumpy board for the most part.
What is the process behind this gender acceleration?
Is it the metric tonne of growth hormone that preteens have consumed by the time puberty rolls around through various foodstuffs?
Every piece of meat… every glass of milk… every single item that we put in our mouths that came from an animal is loaded with growth hormones – drugs that are fed to cow, pigs, and chickens to speed up their maturation so that they can be slaughtered, be milked, or lay eggs faster and be more profitable.
Society in general sees sexual activity statistics of the very young and shake their heads without taking into account that little Krystina isn’t so little anymore and is giving J-Lo and Shakira a serious run for their money.
It’s a biological certainty – hardwired into human DNA – that once girls develop the equipment, they feel the need to employ it.
All they have to do is find a male who’s reached an equivalent state of sexual maturity – and I can only presume that the genders are on equal footing since they all eat the same food.
As Sherlock Holmes would say, it’s elementary.
If you parents want to put that sexual genie back in the bottle, demand that the food you buy is organic and not modified by big corporations for a faster buck.
Assuming that this trend hasn’t already bound itself it to our DNA, the 38DD 12 year olds should thin out over time.
ITEM NUMBER NINE
Virtual copies that you never actually own.
There’s a push amongst the tech savvy to get rid of hard copies of DVDs/Blu-Ray discs/CDs in favor of virtual copies that you purchase online from Amazon or iTunes that will ‘always be there’ for you to stream whenever you feel like it.
How does this even make sense?
Do you not understand how fragile corporations are?
What happens to that $20 investment if the company you ‘purchased’ it from goes tits up?
Your movie, TV shows, music, or book will go bye-bye and you’ll have zero to show for your money.
This may seem like an odd argument coming from me – someone who likes to stay somewhere near the cutting edge of technology – but it’s firmly rooted in reality.
Have you ever experienced a service outage from an online business that you rely on?
YouTube is down for maintenance?
Getting the Fail Whale page over at Twitter?
Your internet service provider is having a bad day?
Your copy of Assassin’s Creed 2 isn’t working because Ubisoft’s DRM servers are offline – making it so you can’t play the game you just paid $60 dollars for?
How is it even sane to trust an online company to keep your precious purchase for posterity?
Are you frakkin’ kidding me?
Hollywood, I demand that you keep pumping out hard copies of your entertainment products so that I can always access the media at any second of my life that I wish to enjoy it.
I take pride in looking at my shelf of DVDs, visually confirming at a glance that I spent my money wisely on things that I enjoy.
I don’t think that I have to explain the tactile joy of holding something that you just spent money on – a self-justification that you’re living a life that you that you’ve worked hard at.
Online digital copies are abstract thoughts – ephemeral by their very digital nature, nothing but a series of ones and zeroes residing on a server thousands of kilometers from where you live.
You don’t own it.
All you’ve done is paid someone for the privilege of maybe looking at that media item if all the various techno gods are smiling on you today.
ITEM NUMBER TEN
Spending ridiculous amounts of money on your child’s first birthday party.
You do realize that 1 year old Bobby Junior is going to have zero recollection of the event, right?
I mean, other than the cute/embarrassing photos that you will take of his face covered in chocolate ice cream cake.
Exactly what are you trying to prove?
Do you think that the number of balloons, quality of the hired entertainment, and size of the cake and goody bags is somehow relevant to the amount that you love your child?
Is how much you love your offspring measured in dollars and cents?
Of course not – unless it is… in which case you really need to get yourself some therapy and perhaps give your child up for adoption.
No… the only reason you make such a big deal of his or her turning the ripe old age of 1 is so that you can stake out your position in the social hierarchy of your circle of friends and acquaintances – and not for any valid emotional experience between your and your child.
Let’s be honest here: the party is going to emotionally overwhelm little Bobby/Sally as they simply don’t yet have the faculties to process the information overload that’s on offer.
The parents that do go to these insane lengths wonder to themselves why their child – in more cases than not – is in a rotten mood and making such a fuss amongst all the faux revelry.
Do yourself a huge favor if you have a child who is going to complete their first year on this planet of ours: buy or make a cupcake and stick a candle in it – maybe even a sparkler if you want to go for some wow-factor.
Chances are that it’s going to be 1000% more of an genuine emotional bonding experience with your baby than the three-ring circus happening at the birthday party down the block.
And really… isn’t that what you want?