I have a question for you, dear readers.

What is love?

Now before you go spending a night at the Roxbury, I would like to know your honest answer i.e. fill in a comment at the end of this blog if you’re brave enough to let the world know what you think.

For me, love is a universal concept.

It’s the be-all to end-all.

I think of love as a type of energy that powers each and every one of us – whether we’re completely aware of it or not-  and since love is energy, this creates an interesting dilema for people like me.


There’s a fundamental law in the realm of physics and science: once energy is created, it can never be destroyed – ever.

It’s allowed to transform into other types of energy, but it never goes away – no matter how far it travels or how old it is.

This is how it is for me: love never, ever goes away for me – no matter how long ago I split up with a woman or how ugly said separation was – it’s always there for me to access at any time for any reason.

Is this a personal flaw?

I’m really in the dark here.

In yesterday’s 9/11 blog, I mentioned my ex-fiance Aimee in passing without all that much though beyond connecting the terrorist attacks to a specific time in my life – and then I just kept writing without revisiting that memory.

Yet today, in one of those funny wrinkles in the fabric of life, I actually ran into Aimee when I was on the transit bus as I was returning home from visiting my sister.

No, I didn’t physically run into her.

We were the only two people on the bus – Aimee sitting in the back, myself towards the front.

As soon as she seen me, her face clouded over and she clearly got her knickers in a right proper twist – regardless of the more than 6 years that had passed since we broke up in a rather spectacular orgy of shouting, screaming, and yelly phone calls.

However, for me, it was kind of nice to see her face since I haven’t been carrying the obvious grudge she has been for all this time.

We sat there in silence – well, not total silence as she took the time to huff and puff in a haughty fashion in an attempt to make sure I knew she was annoyed by my very presence – as the bus rumbled along it’s merry way, and all I could do was stare out the window and think about what exactly it meant to love somebody.

Despite the rockiness of our 5 year relationship and the fiery pyre that was our final breakup, it occurred to me if it was another lifetime where I wasn’t happily attached to my current girlfriend, I would give Aimee another chance if she offered it.

Which is what leaves me asking this question about the nature of love.

One of my favorite bands posits this: You never stop loving somebody – no matter what you tell yourself. You just start loving somebody else. (listen by clicking the bright white text)

I admit this is also one of my favorite songs because, for me anyway, it’s so completely and honestly true.

Every partner that has every meant anything to me is still kicking around in the cobwebs of my heart – cold storage if you will (maybe lukewarm storage?).

Everyone from my cheating ex-wife, Danielle, and forwards.

They all still have names, faces, and fond memories attached to them.

Danielle… Sue… Aimee… Shannon… Sheri… Eilidh… Margurite… Amy… all of them are ghosts that seem to be happy hanging around in the deeper recesses of my soul.

There isn’t one person on that list that I wouldn’t willingly sit down and have a long chat over some good coffee  – though the stress related to some might make me itch for a cigarette again, despite my quitting years ago.

There are the girls that I’ve had casual relationships with on and off over the years (yes… casual intimacy) that I care about and wonder what they’re doing now in this big world – and no, I’m not going to list their names here due to the impracticality of such a lengthy list… but I do remember each and every one of them as well.

For me, once I make a connection, I can’t unmake it.

Whether or not that paints me as an overly sentimental fool, I can’t really say.

It is how it is.

I am who I am.

Since Big & Rich sang an entire song about this concept, I’m guessing this issue isn’t singular and unique to myself.

It’s comforting to know that people out there go through this thing as well – and I say thing since it’s not really a problem i.e. it doesn’t keep me awake at night, nor do I spend my days rocking back and forth and wishing for days gone by.

I’m curious as to how many of you out there have the same thing happen to them?

I apologize to the readers who were looking for a long dissertation on something profound today, but this is what I’ve chosen to blog about.

It may not necessarily be relevant to your life, but at the moment, it’s relevant to mine..

…And it’s my blog.

2 thoughts on “The Heart Of The Matter

  1. Hi
    I agree with your understanding. I have had the same experience in life. It takes time for the pain of breaking up to ease and eventually fade from the memory (to a degree anyway) and for life to become bearable again … but after that time it is easier to look back with fondness on past loves.

    I have broken up with fewer people than yourself but if I could go back and have another stab at it, there is only one that I would not attempt that with, although I do not hate him, he is just the same man as he was and that is why I am not with him now.
    Domestic violence does not change in a person is what I am saying.

    Love is an amazing energy that flows strongly thru me. I can feel the threads of it in all aspects of my life. Even if I love a friend and the friendship ends… I can still pick up the friendship and love them just the same after a considerable amount of time. If love was not enternal then how could that be true.

    Love is a seed which is planted when we fall for someone… but no matter how hard we try, we can never unseed the ground which was seeded, love simply does not work that way!

    Love can outlast anything and I truly believe that. I still bear love for my ex husband who beat the shit out of me for years and years. I would help him with anything in a heartbeat, not because of who he is but because of who I am…. can I forgive him for the beatings… thats already done, can I ever forget … Nope.. but can I still find love for him inside me…. the answer to that would be a big YES.

    The love you bear others, stays within in you… its like a glowing ember… and all it needs to spark up again and turn into a roaring flame is fuel. We feed it and it grows but you cannot starve it to death… it just doesn’t work that way.

    When one understands the nature of Love… then one is halfway to understanding themself.

  2. I don’t even know if you’ll read it, as this blog is quite old, but I couldn’t agree with you more.

    Do I want to go back and start a relationship with an ex? Hell no! Do I know that this is a significant part of my life and of who I am, and that at some point there was love there, and that unless the person had a lobotomy, he still posseses the lovable parts of him? Yes!

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