Stormcastle @ The Movies: 2011 Preview, Part Two.

Okay… after a brief intermission, I’m back with the rest of the known 2011 movie schedule.

What do I mean known? Well, there are a lot of Hollywood projects in the pipe… and each of those are expected to finish at certain time.

Sometimes movies finish earlier than expected, or it’s the opposite and a movie’s release date is pushed back – sometimes many months in order for the studio to place it in an appropriate viewing season.

From here on out, movie dates are somewhat speculative but should be strongly indicative of when you should expect to see it.

Ready?

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August  3rd: What’s, blue, white, and short all over?

The Smurfs!

That’s right… the 80′s cartoon icons have been resurrected for a live action/CGI hybrid in hopes of finding some new junior fans – which naturally means new revenue for Sony and for the Peyo (creator of The Smurfs) estate.

I’m a bit torn on this one since I was a Smurfs fan when I was a kid, and the new Smurf designs seem a bit retarded to me – but who knows?

Your kids might love them!

And now… a word from NPH.

August 19th: Time for another double bill!

First up, we have a reboot/remake/re-imagining of a classic Schwarzenegger series – with an unrecognizable Jason Momoa stepping into the Nietzschean sandals and fur undies of Conan The Barbarian.

Conan seeks to refresh the brand for the current swords and sandals crowd and maybe reach out to the basement-bound World Of Warcraft players – and of course, make a new franchise for Lionsgate.

Last time the mass public saw Jason, he looked like this:

But… in Conan, Jason looks like this:

The movie also stars oversized regular badass Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Blade II), relative newcomer Stephen Lang (Avatar), and both Rachel Nichols and Rose McGowan to dress up in leather bikinis.

Okay… on we go.

The second flick of this double bill is the return of Robert Rodriguez to his more kid friendly territory.

Spy Kids 4: All The Time In The World (or Armageddon, depending on who you ask) is bring back the past heroes all grown up and throwing in a sleekly-clad Jessica Alba for effect – what that effect is depends on the viewer’s age, I suppose.

The plot is light on details at this point, but we do know that Jeremy Piven is going to be a villain called Timekeeper… and Jessica Alba is possibly playing the disliked stepmother to the titular spy kids from eight years prior.

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At this point in time, September is generally a wash – mainly because it’s a dumping ground for the studio’s crappiest efforts generally.

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October 7th: How about a punch in the face?

No? Too fragile for a little pugilism?

That’s generally the idea behind 2011′s big Hugh Jackman effort Real Steel: human boxing has fallen out of fashion, and the sport is now conducted with giant robots who pound each other into scrap – somewhat like the old Rock’ Em Sock ‘Em Robot games we had as kids (which, incidentally, is also being developed as a separate cinematic feature by Hasbro and partners).

Jackman stars as a washed-up fighter who’s looking for his next big chance… putting aside his bitterness at being replaced by machines and getting behind the metal-pounders with his son and makes a play for the championship.

October 14th: Two movies to get to…

The first is a prequel to a classic 80′s movie, and the second is a remake of another beloved 80′s classic.

#1 – The Thing tells the story of what happened prior to the events of the 1982 flick of the same name.

The setting is Antarctica, and we have a group of international scientists ( Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and others) encounter a monstrous entity trapped in the ice, which has the ability to take on the appearance of anyone it comes into contact with – making it impossible to tell friend from foe.

Drama and terror unfolds in the unforgiving deep freeze at the bottom of the world

And now…

…for a different kind of terror!

#2 does away with Kevin Bacon and John Lithgow, and brings on Kenny Wormald and Dennis Quaid.

For what? A Footloose remake, of course!

Another group of teens rebel against the local anti-dance pastor, led by a newcomer from the city.

Or something like that… an official plot really hasn’t been put forward, but the project seems to be the same story more or less from studio indications.

October 21st: I’m not really endorsing the film, but it should be noted that you can flock the theaters for the third installment of the Paranormal Activity franchise if you’re so inclined – but I’m fearing it could turn into the next Saw with new and subsequently crappier installments every October.

November 18th: Summit Entertainment cordially invites you to the first part of a two movie coupling…

…in which a teen male werewolf falls in love with a baby after the baby’s father delivers it via a C-section cut with his teeth.

Oh… and it’s long after the father turbo-fucked the mother into unconsciousness, and a little bit after the unborn child breaks the mother’s spine with an ill-placed kick.

Yes… November brings the filmed edition of the generally unfilmable Twilight: Breaking Dawn – the last of the moronic masterpieces from Stephanie Meyer (the worst Mormon fiction since the Book Of Mormon).

Ugh.

November 23rd: Hi ho!

Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzy, Gonzo, Animal, Beaker, Sam, and all the rest of the gang return to the big screen after a lengthy absence (last feature film was 1999′s Muppets From Space).

This time out, the gang is supported by the Disney marketing machine, so expect the marketing for The Muppets to really kick into full gear mid to late spring 2011.

All that is known right about the movie’s story is that the Muppet Studio is about to be foreclosed on after years of neglect, so the gang and their pal Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother, Forgetting Sara Marshall) hit the road in hopes of gaining some celebrity support to keep the dream alive.

Look for starring roles and cameos from Amy Adams, Zach Galifianakis, Emily Blunt, Mickey Rooney, Billy Crystal, Ricky Gervais, and a whole host of others.

Okay… now for the last weekend I’ll mention at this point…

December 16th: The final double bill of 2011!

And both are oozing star power and brand identification!

First, we’ll have Tom Cruise (Top Gun, Collateral, Valkyrie) and Jeremy Renner (The Hurt Locker) staring in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – the fourth outing of the veteran spy franchise, and at one point was rumored to be the last turn by Cruise as Ethan Hunt.

Virtually nothing is known about the story, other than it was penned in part by J.J. Abrams – who directed the stellar Mission Impossible 3… which – criminally – was a lukewarm success due to Cruise’s couch jumping phase, despite it being the best of the series to date.

This time around, the action is being directed by Brad Bird – who’s best known thus far for directing animated fare like The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, and Ratatouille.

However, it looks like the action is going to be insane.

See below Tom Cruise running around on the outside of the Burj Khalifa – the world’s tallest building – 100+ stories off the ground.

And finally, we have…

Sherlock Holmes 2: Victorian Bugaloo! (subtitle not included… your actual mileage may vary).

Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law return for more sleuthing and fisticuffs as Holmes and Watson respectively – this time matching wits with their long time nemesis, Moriarty (played by Jared Harris). The movie will also feature Stephen Fry (Gosford Park) as Sherlock’s brother, and Noomi Rapace (from the European The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) as a character named Sim.

I rather enjoyed 2009′s Sherlock Holmes, so I’m more than happy to look forward to this edition.

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And there you have it, kids.

That’s what’s coming for your viewing pleasure in 2011 – though I’m sure more movies will be squeezed into the later half of 2011, so don’t hold me to these precise offerings any longer than April 2011.

Until we chat again…

…the balcony is closed for business.

Video Blog: My Hero

Some amateur animation from the Far East.

Video Blog: Wind

And it huffed and it puffed…

Glogger Refugees…

Starting at 12 midnight…

CLICK HERE

Video Blog: P*R*H*C

Video is in 1080p HD, so feel free to use the widescreen pop-out and select 1080p from the control bar.

Xmas Blog: Merry Ho-Ho!

To all of you out there in blog land who might be paying attention between wrapping gifts and making egg nog, I bid you happiness for the rest of 2009 and the rest of this decade.

Product Placement Blog: Aero Dark

Where’s Waldo?

In today’s installment of Heave Steve, I must posit this question:

Where the hell was he for the past few days?

The majority of the G-20 leaders from around the globe were having a pow wow at the United Nations headquarters in New York City to discuss a varied slew of issues that are relative to global unity and security  – but where was the Right Honourable Stephen Harper?

Not in New York, I can tell you that right away.

Who was in New York?

Among the major players were Barack Obama (United States Of America), Gordon Brown (the United Kingdom), Nicolas Sarkozy (France), Dmitry Medvedev (Russia)… hell, even the world’s snappiest-dressing/Jew-hating/terrorism-endorsing/nuke-wanting and all-around assclown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in attendance.

This was a meeting of the United Nations Security Council – the people who penalize countries when they do bad things (whether it be in the form of military strikes, or the more common strongly worded letter) – a council that Canada really wants to be on so it will have a say in how the world works, or at least the illusion of doing so.

The big topic of this meeting?

Nuclear weapons: who has them, who wants them, and who is not allowed to have them.

Sounds like a good conversation that the Canadian people should have a voice in, doesn’t it?

What makes it a great place to be for world leaders is that you get to step up to the dais on – what is quite literally – the world stage and address the peoples of the entire planet, telling them what your particular country plans to do in the coming months and years and what that means to global peace.

From here, you explain to the world how your country’s actions, programs, policies, and military operations will effect nations and people around the world – either for the better, or for the worse.

The big drama this week?

Ahmadinnerjacket – errr, Ahmadinejad – announced to the world that he had a secret uranium enrichment facility (on top of the one the U.N. Security Council was already aware of) humming away at an undisclosed location in the Iranian desert… which is the type of place where you can turn regular uranium into the type of fuel that either powers a nuclear power plant OR a thermonuclear weapon.

This is somewhat distressing because:

A) Iran is the number one exporter of terrorists in the world.

B) Iran hates Israel and has repeatedly said that it intends to wipe Israel off the map – which is one use for a stockpile of nuclear weapons.

Crazy, eh?

You know… it would have been really great if someone of global import had spoken up on Canada’s behalf during the fallout of that revelation – someone who could step up to the podium and say how outraged we as a Canadian people were at such a unacceptable revelation.

Wouldn’t that have been great?

Yeah, but Stephen Harper – the Canadian Prime Minister who is supposed to be the focused voice of 33,792,000 Canadian citizens – wasn’t anywhere to be found at the United Nations building.

You know what building he WAS found at?

A Tim Horton’s store in Oakville, Ontario – from which he dutifully blasted Iran’s secretive nuclear shenanigans with all the authority he could muster.

At a Tim Horton’s.

I’ll give you a minute to process that information.

Need a bit more info?

He made this declaration after bragging about how Canada was once again the home base for Timmy’s.

Just wrap your mind around it.

You good?

Need another minute?

Two or three?

Okay… I’ll wait.

Got it?

Good.

Some might say that the neighborhood Timmy’s is the best place to make a Canadian statement – and I would agree to a certain extent if it wasn’t a matter of global import where image is everything.

I mean… seriously.

C’mon, man – give your head a shake, Steve!

What the hell were you thinking?!?!

Brief Thoughts On The Emmys

1. Neil Patrick Harris is an excellent host.

2. Ricky Gervais pwns Steve Carell.

3. Battlestar Galactica has been screwed 5 out of 5 years – best the show got this year was one of it’s score pieces being played under the “The Year In Drama” clip reel.

4. Bob Newhart looks like death.

5. I love Jon Stewart and the Daily Show – but they should let the other kids win sometimes.

6. Kanye West and Joe Wilson are douchebags – and Hollywood made sure they knew it.

7. Irish lesbian MILFs are fun.

8. Mathew Weiner’s name would be better if it was spoken “Weener”.

9. Jeff Probst is an everyman.

A Faint Pulse…

Unfortunately for all of us, we have to wait a bit longer to heave Steve.

In what can only be termed as a Hail Mary Pass, the Conservatives quickly floated a contingency bill that gave the opposition parties a taste of what they had been begging for since big business started firing everyone who wasn’t an executive – an extension to the employment insurance benefits.

Let’s be completely honest here: I labeled it a ‘contingency bill’ because the bill served zero purpose in the Conservatives over-all political goals other than to keep them afloat for a little bit longer – allowing them to attempt finalizing a slew of legislation that will further screw the average Canadian citizen in whichever way they can dream up.

The Conservatives are big on the ‘scorched earth’ style of politics when their back is against the wall – rapid fire legislation and appointments being a key example.

Last time there was a fear of their life-support plug being pulled, what did they do? A flurry of Senate appointments,  sending long-time Conservative friendly people to live in the Canadian Senate for the rest of their natural lives – despite Harper spending years decrying the process and demanding it be changed so that Senators are elected instead of rewarded for toeing the ruling party’s line.

Yeah, that sounds EXACTLY like the people we need in Ottawa.

I really wish WordPress had a sarcastic font – but I digress…

Most of the Conservative’s forthcoming agenda has to do with making large corporations feel better – and to a degree, this is something that DOES need to be done in this post recession climate (yes…. you can come out  now: the recession is over for the most part).

But if you look harder, there are a few items that are not related to the recession at all – items that are designed to give breaks and advantages to businesses that make billions of dollars in Canada that have nothing at all to do with calming the accountants of said business in this time of an economy sorting itself out.

Some of these legislative efforts are at the behest of billionaire C.E.O.s who felt they simply weren’t making enough money BEFORE the recession – which is precisely what the Conservatives do best: bend over backwards to make the top 1% of the population (with more money than the bottom 99% put together) happier than they have any godly right to.

Would you like an example?

The current ‘consultation’ with the public over copyright reform is a smokescreen to hide Stephen Harper’s directive that the Heritage Minister, Industry Minister, and the Attorney General are all on the same page about Canada signing onto ACTA.

What is ACTA?

That is a very good question, and you really should write to your local member of parliament to ask what exactly ACTA is and why Canada is a signatory country without doing any public consultation or disclosure.

The ACTA treatise is one of the most classified documents in the business world and has to do with copyright issues – specifically regarding copyrights held by Hollywood studios in the fields of music, movies, and other intellectual properties.

The problem with ACTA is that the text of the document is forever changing – like the sands of your local beach – and is not open to public scrutiny.

One version of ACTA was leaked onto the internet a while ago – but I’ve found out that the document has changed since then, so even with the leaked information, we as consumers are in the dark.

I’m going to borrow some text from Inquisitr.com since they’ve summarized the findings better than I could:

The core of the document details how each party should deal with intellectual property matters, including costs, complaint process and legal standards. Where it goes further is with the introduction of set rate penalties based on types of infringement, and further makes no clear distinction (that I could see) between a commercial piracy outfit, and a kid at home downloading a movie on BitTorrent.

While international co-operation on issues such as these isn’t out of the ordinary, it’s the secrecy around the document that has caused alarm so far; and it turns out that it was justified. The net effect of this treaty is to overrule local laws and to increase the severity of intellectual property/ copyright laws in signatory nations. Maybe not police stat level, but in places like Australia and parts of the EU which don’t have as strict an interpretation of copyright (for example, you can legally rip a DVD in Australia), this document could force local laws to be changed. – Duncan Riley, Inquisitr.com

What should alarm you is that, in effect, Canada’s laws regarding copyright issues will cease to be made by Canadians – and made by an international consortium that includes lawyers from the largest Hollywood studios.

Why should this alarm you?

Why the hell SHOULDN’T this alarm you?!?!

Remember my past blog about copyright issues? If you haven’t read it, please look it up in the topics menu at the top right of your screen.

For all intents and purposes, Hollywood will be making the laws by which you would be prosecuted if you were caught with an MP3 on your computer you didn’t pay someone for the right of having.

If you’re a lawyer or have a head for reading nauseating legalese, you can access a PDF file containing one version of the ACTA document by clicking here.

Yet, this is just ONE of the many legislative efforts that the Conservatives are trying to finalize as quick as their legal teams can type.

There are others that would remove trade barriers that try to keep American and Canadian businesses on an equal footing in Canada.

Some of the proposed legislative items floating around Stephen Harper’s desk involve creating a two-tier health system in Canada in such confusing language that it would seem like quite the opposite – and who do you think a two-tier system would benefit the most?

Yeah… that wealthiest 1% of the population.

Well, okay… to be fair, it will probably benefit the top 30% of money makers in this country.

It will absolutely never benefit little Jacob who has pediatric cancer and two parents that work – one in retail and one in construction.

Have I ever mentioned before that the Conservatives hate the poor, the destitute, and the infirm?

Maybe I have.

Stephen Harper makes me long for the days of Brian Mulroney – who despite his government’s flaws – honestly thought what they were doing would benefit the average Canadian citizen i.e. the people who elected them to office.

Speaking of which, Mr. Mulroney had a party the other night celebrating the anniversary of his 1984 electoral victory – the absolute pinnacle of the federal Conservative movement to this very day – and there were a few amusing tidbits of information that came out of the party.

Stephen Harper did not attend – nor do I think was he invited (but I could be wrong, however remote that could be)… and he was never mentioned by name by Brian Mulroney in that sexy baritone of his.

Mulroney DID however take a swipe at Harper – at least according to people who had attended the gala – by asking if all the attending party-goers had their Conservative Party of Canada membership cards on them… for which Stephen Harper says Brian Mulroney doesn’t have any more.

I’m not privy to whether or not our former Conservative prime minister is an actual card carrying member of the Conservatives in this day and age – or whether or not he has any interest in being one – but I do savor the attempt by Mulroney to show the older statesmen in attendance that Harper and his gang of corporate lackeys (that are all under 50 years old on average) have lost touch with what government used to be about in Canada.

What it used to be before the Conservatives sold their soul to big corporations – sold one paltry $250 dinner plate at a time during speaking engagement by prominent parliamentary contenders and winners.

When it was about ideals that the Progressive Conservatives legitimately thought more than 50% of the population believed in.

Unfortunately, that was a very long time ago.

No, this blogger has never voted Conservative… and never will as long as he’s in control of the hands that are checking off the little boxes on the electoral ballots.

However, I can look back and realize the monumental gap in beliefs between the heyday of Mulroney and the government that we have in Ottawa at the moment that I’m writing this blog.

Which is one of the many reasons we so desperately need to heave Steve.

Now, if only the NDP and the Bloc Quebecois (and the Liberals to a much lesser extent) would stop accepting a reach-around from him…