I’ll freely admit that I was near tears when the episode faded to black after watching Destiny’s hyperspace trail disappear into the stars.
“Poor Eli,” was all I could muster.
And for a moment, every episode of Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, and Stargate Universe that I could remember played in reverse order – right back to Jack O’Neil sitting on his boat before Daniel asks him to come back to the SGC.
As much as it hurts those non-haters in this crowd, the franchise did deserve a rest – 13 or so years of constant production is almost unparalleled in TV history outside of soap operas (which are also dropping like flies).
Outside of Star Trek, what genre series has come even close? And, no, Doctor Who doesn’t count because it went out of production for a spell – unlike ST:TNG, DS9, Voyager, and eventually Enterprise… which had been in production from 1987 thru to 2005.
But back to Stargate.
The end of SG on Syfy is all about dollars and cents, and not a lack of faith in the producers – a move to service the dumb-as-rocks viewers Syfy and their new Comcast overlords want to chase with advertisers in tow.
The only space opera left is the BSG: Blood & Chrome – which goes back to the tried and true “shoot ‘em up” that makes the CroMags (tee hee… name check) happy, and thusly lifts the spirits of each advertiser that will want to shill Budweiser, Cheetos, and Snuggie For Pets.
As many have pointed out in various forums, Syfy should change their slogan to “Check Your Brain At The Door’… so a series that requires a little thought would naturally get shit canned.
It was funny: a few nights ago, I was watching 28 WEEKS LATER after a number of years and was amused to see Robert Carlyle in it – and couldn’t keep from making Rush jokes to myself.
And that’s how it will be for the time being – us at home seeing SGU and other SG actors in shows made after and before the SGU cancellation and wondering…
Wondering whatever became of their SG alter egos – of all the dramas, plots, and character developments.
We can only hope that the time between now and the time SG comes back to us will be filled with SGU comics, novels, and other licensed tie-ins.
At least then we’ll know what happens to Eli.
Me, personally? I think he’ll let Ginn out of her computer stasis so it can be just the two of them until the lights finally go out.
Has anyone noticed that since the interwebs became the primary communication tool for the human species that, as a society, we’ve all taken a turn towards the mean side of things?
And I’m not talking about the cyber-bullying swarms out there, but more about how quickly we jump on a bandwagon that’s draped with a banner proclaiming WE HATE ________________.
How is it that we’ve gone from a culture of the individual to a culture of joiners?
Where did we stop thinking for ourselves and switch to the blithely ignorant masses?
I present to you three cases of group hating:
1) Everybody hates Nickelback.
2) Everybody hates AVATAR.
3) Everybody hates Uwe Boll.
But when you boil everything down with facts, only one of the above bares out to be true.
Let’s start with the first item… about how everybody on the planet hates Nickelback according to the sentiment of the internet.
Fact: According to Pollstar, Nickelback is 6th on the list of touring bands last year.
Fact: Nickelback sells an average of 6 million albums per release.
And yet everybody online claims that they’re worse than the Black Plague – which makes no bloody sense when you take into account the cash they rake in since obviously a lot of people are buying their CDs, going to their concerts, and snapping up their merchandise.
Their Facebook page has 3,753,664 fans – nearly as many as Jay-Z.
If the internet hatred mills was correct, Nickelback would have a hard time booking third rate bars in nowhere towns like Buttfuck, Idaho – and that simply isn’t the case.
Alright, now on to the second item: the universal hatred for James Cameron’s AVATAR.
Despite being relatively new to the cultural awareness, AVATAR still racks up the kind of seething hate that Nickelback does when you tour around the web’s various message boards, site forums, and self-styled movie review depots.
They poke fun at the CGI… say the story was ripped off from other movies… call Sam Worthington wooden, etc.
Ready for the facts?
FACT: Avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time.
FACT: Avatar won a number of Oscars.
FACT: Despite the potentially enormous cost, 20th Century Fox has said okay to 2 more sequels to what is apparently the most hated movie ever.
Finally… on to the lats group.
Everybody hates Uwe Boll.
No… really… everybody does.
Uwe Boll is a movie “director” based out of Germany who buys up movie properties and then proceeds to destroy that property with completely inept, incompetent, idiotic, moronic, senseless movies that could be written and directed by drunken raccoons who had figured out how to turn on a camcorder someone left outside.
Boll’s reign of cinematic terror was enabled for a long while by a peculiar tax benefit that guaranteed any movie production to – at the bare minimum – break even so that no money was lost by any party involved… which meant that no matter how shitty your movie was, you’d still make your money back.
Needless to say, this removed Uwe Boll from the end consequences of his playing movie director – there was no danger to him or the people he bilked into investing – which would normally be something along the lines of being banned for life from anything resembling a video camera.
Five of his “films” are on the list of 100 worst movies ever over at RottenTomatoes.com
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So… the internet loves to rage – and really, that’s no surprise to anyone who reads the comments on any randomly selected YouTube video.
The problem with “Haters” (those people who hate certain things for no discernible or logical reason) is they skew the internet society’s view of things and issues – preventing someone new to the scene from trying something that they might actually enjoy by making that person feel they’ll be somehow unpopular by doing so.
Now… before anyone who’s a regular reader of this blog says “but you hate a lot of things!“, let me remind you that I always explain my particular dislikes – mainly because I don’t want to be seen as a Hater.
In the end, I think the problem of Haters is due to the “quick hit” mentality of the Internet Generation where people what the information they’re seeking fast – a deterioration in the type of objective thought that would have normally been engaged when confronted with a supposed fact… but that would take too much time in the Google age.
It’s surprising how an entire school of thought (or lack thereof) has spread from the redneck population to more than 1/6th of the world – and will continue to saturate the internet consciousness for the foreseeable future… or at least until it becomes cool again to think.
Let’s get something out of the way first, shall we?
Internet service is NOT like a utility service such as electricity or natural gas – and therefore can not be billed in the same fashion, nor should it be.
When your local utility service provider runs a meter on your electricity consumption or how much natural gas you use to heat your home, they do that for a very specific reason: it’s costs money to generate that electricity via power dams, windmill farms, solar power arrays, etcetera… and it costs money to develop that natural gas from the sources deep in the earth – you have to pay people to run the drills, process the elements, sail the natural gas tankers, or build the pipelines.
Now… I’m not saying that it doesn’t cost money to string wires and buy network switches – but in no way, shape, or form does it cost anything near what it costs to develop utility services.
In Canada, the largest internet service providers are trying to implement a “usage based billing” scheme upon their subscribers in the same way that you’d be billed for leaving your lights on at home all the time – except with the difference being that you’d have a flat rate up to a certain gigabyte level that you’ve agreed to in a package deal… and then, when you’ve passed that level – let’s say 60 gigabytes, you’d have to pay a steep overage charge of between $1 and $5 per GB.
The things that you should keep in mind going forward is that – according to network specialists that don’t represent Bell, Rogers, or Shaw – it costs anywhere between 0.0013 and 1.15 cents to send one gigabyte of data through Canada’s internet infrastructure – which is nowhere near the 100% to 500% markup that the large ISPs are demanding.
These ISPs had hoodwinked the Canadian Radio And Telecommunications Commission (the equivalent of the F.C.C. in the United States Of America) into agreeing to allowing these companies to charge their own customers these exorbitant fees PLUS forcing independent internet service providers (who purchase their internet backbone access wholesale from Bell Canada et al) to pass on UBB charges to their own customers as of the beginning of March 2011.
This would, in effect, remove all of the unlimited internet use packages available to subscribers of the smaller ISPs – which was, and has always been their major advantage in attracting internet customers away from the major ISPs who tend to offer firmly defined data caps (60GB, 125GB, 200GB, etc.).
By forcing the little guys to bill the same way that the big guys do, the CRTC had completely leveled the playing field – save for those few independent ISPs who had their own internet equipment that did not rely on Bell.
In Bell’s own words as they appeared before the government panel investigating UBB on February 10th, 2011: “…it (UBB) prevents them (independent ISPs) from differentiating their offers from our own.”
Gone would be the all you can eat internet buffet for $50… which an independent ISP could offer to attract new customers, which I’m sure pissed Bell Canada and it’s corporate allies off to no end because their corporate culture was based around screwing their customers any way they could through oppressive overage schemes.
In today’s world of ever-growing data bandwidth, a gigabyte doesn’t go as far as it did in days gone by… even in as little as five years ago.
In 2011, internet users have so many choices available to them online that are fairly data intensive: YouTube, Flickr, streaming Quicktime, Steam, and services like Netflix.
Even those people who like to haunt Facebook and Twitter are pulling down large chunks of data when playing Farmville or watching videos of their nephew’s little league game.
Bell Canada, Rogers Communications, Shaw Media, and the other large ISPs are entitled to make money… nobody is suggesting that they should give away internet service for free.
What has caused nearly half a million people to sign a petition, and what most people would agree to when asked on the street, is that the large ISPs should collect fees that reflect the actual costs of doing business – to have their billing practices be strongly rooted in reality.
Yes… there are an increasing number of Canadians using more than 200GB a month, but the problem is that Bell Canada and it’s friends don’t want to spend the money necessary to bolster their national infrastructure to accommodate this rising tide – and instead of doing the logical thing (building new and better data transmission networks), they want to stifle those 200GB+ users though harsh tariffs.
This is purely greed – nothing else.
The UBB pressure is aimed at maximizing profit.
Profit is good, yes… but obscene amounts of profit is simply evil – and the Canadian public is beginning to rise up against this unparalleled cash grab that isn’t replicated anywhere else in the world.
In a word, it’s uncompetitive – but that makes it too simple.
There are so many businesses in the Canadian marketplace that depend on a reliable, uninterrupted, and unlimited internet for everyone.
Do you think that places like internet cafes could remain in business if they’re forced to pay for their customer’s overages? I mean… I’m sure that you can’t offer internet to everybody who walks through the door and not blaze past 200GB in a month with little effort.
How about your local municipal library? Quite a few of them offer free internet access to their patrons… but would that concept still be viable when the library is being charged $5 for every gigabyte?
Don’t kid yourself: city hall would put a quick stop to that in very short order.
However, the biggest problem with UBB from an internet business standpoint – at least for those businesses that aren’t Bell & Co. – is that the UBB policy unfairly discriminates against companies like Netflix and YouTube that rely on their customers/visitors to be able to consume all the data they can put in front of their eyeballs.
This comes in direct competition to Bell & Co.’s own Media On Demand services – which generally have less content available than Netflix-type services – and results in lost revenue for the large ISPs.
So, again, instead of spending money to bolster their Media On Demand services, they want to quash those of you out their who would go to Netflix as a superior alternative by raping your wallets and bank accounts – forcing you to consume their paltry wares instead.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen such a clear-cut conflict of interest… such a blatant anti-competitive attack on consumers who dare to use anyone but the large ISPs and their various media holdings (CTV, Global Television, etc.).
Interestingly, the UBB provisions that the CRTC gave the okay to, are now in limbo as the federal government had told the CRTC to reconsider or be overruled point blank at the legislative level.
I say interesting because the Conservative Party Of Canada – the current party in power – is very, very friendly with Big Business.
To take a stand against the Big ISP lobby is contrary to party beliefs, and can only be interpreted as being responsive to public uproar – and a deft move to head off the opposition parties from gaining a political foothold that’s rooted in popular unrest.
Yes… it may be snide electioneering, but for the time being, the Government Of Canada is on the side of their electorate instead of giving away everything to Big Business.
How long this lasts is anyone’s guess… but I’d wager it will last as long as the Conservatives winning the next federal election – which is going to be sooner than later, after which time they won’t feel as threatened by the average Canadian citizen who uses the internet.
So, for now, do your part in trying to prevent Big ISPs from getting away with murder.
How?
Write a letter to your local MP… write a letter to your local newspaper’s editor… make a video about your views and post it on YouTube… call into a local radio show and tell them – and all the listeners – how you feel about the large ISPs trying to sodomize your cash flow.
Or… simply visit www.openmedia.ca and take advantage of their resources.
But, don’t take my word for it.
Go online – while you can afford it – and see what the average Canadian internet user thinks of UBB.
Say what you will, but 2010 was a bit boring when it came to movie releases from Hollywoodland.
There were some early hits for the kiddies… Iron Man 2 and Inception for the grownups later on – but overall, attendance was down this year when compared to 2009… and yet the box office receipts were averaging in comparison (mostly due to the splurge of 3D films and their applicable ticket price upgrades).
So as we burn off the last 4 weeks of December with only a few movies worth seeing – mainly Tron: Legacy and True Grit – I’m going to spend some time with you going over what it is that you can look forward to in 2011.
WINTER 2011:
January 7th: For those of you who are still enamored with Nicholas Cage and the various wigs costume designers stick on his head (I was happy with the long hair in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice), he has a medieval adventure called Season Of The Witch coming at you right off the bat in the new year.
I’m going to be honest here – I haven’t really been digging the footage and blurbs from it so far, and am thinking this could be another trip into The Wicker Man territory… but I did like his performance in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, so who knows?
Season Of The Witch could be a tour de force – but don’t hold your breath.
January 14th: One week later, we have a new action flick featuring Seth Rogen – yes, that Seth Rogen – titled The Green Hornet.
After some hemming and hawing, the studio decided to dump this flick in January because it couldn’t really estimate how well the movie would do – despite it being a genre flick and based on a long time property that’s been around since the golden days of radio serial dramas… and the last major iteration of The Green Hornet starred Bruce Lee.
The Hollywood uncertainty comes from Rogen normally being a funny man employed in the Judd Apatow stable – and when combined with his former portliness, this doesn’t really cut an action hero image in potential ticket buyer’s minds.
What would normally be a summer or December release, the movie features Rogen and Taiwanese superstar Jay Chou as a crime fighting duo similar to Batman and his sidekick Robin – complete with tricked out car, custom weapons, and the lead character being a super-rich playboy moonlighting as a crime fighter.
However, those of you out there who watched Pineapple Express know that Seth can work in the action/comedy arena, so I’m going to give The Green Hornet a cautious recommend.
January 21st: Get ready for an Oscar-bait!
What’s better than a ‘men on a mission’ movie?
How about a ‘men on a mission’ movie that takes place when a group of guys escape from a Siberian gulag and have to walk into Mordorwalk across the various inhospitable terrains of the former Soviet Union and surrounding countries in a bid for freedom?
Sound good? How about if Hollywood throws in Ed Harris and Collin Farrell?
Yes? Then get in line for tickets to The Way Back.
February 11th: Here comes Nicholas Cage again – but this time, he’s back to the action vein that we all like him in.
What would you get if you crossed Ghost Rider, Tod McFarlane’s Spawn, Gone In 60 Seconds, and Quentin Tarantino-style violence? All mixed up in genuine, non-post production three dimensionality?
Drive Angry 3D!
Cage plays a guy who’s escaped from Hell to avenge his daughter’s murder and protect her child from an evil Satanic cult – all the while driving fast and crazy in classic cars and packing ridiculous amounts of firepower.
Oh… and William Fichtner is in the movie as The Devil – or is it The Devil’s pit boss? – which instantly makes the movie sooooo much more interesting.
I’ll be in the theater seats for this one, guaranteed.
February 18th: Another whack at the young adult fiction pinata!
This time – and the studio hopes it will do better than Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief or Jumper- we have D.J Caruso (director of two Shia Labeouf flicks: the excellent Suburbia, and the dopey-but-fun Eagle Eye) directing some pretty teenagers in a ‘aliens living amongst us’ type movie… but instead of it being like Men In Black, it will be more like the WB/UPN series Roswell.
Oh… and there’s a big, bad alien chasing our pretty alien teens!
Honestly, I’m kinda burned out on the whole Y/A fiction section of the bookstore being carted into the cinema.
Obviously, the studios are looking to replace the finishing Harry Potter and Twilight series – which are profitable cash cows for Warner Bros. and Summit Entertainment respectively.
However, like I noted above, Caruso has turned out some quality screen product, so I would recommend this movie just on his C.V. alone – but I think this will also appeal to the sci-fi fans as a whole.
March 4th:WARNING – March is jam-packed with content seeking your eyeballs!
The first weekend of March has 3 science fiction movies needing your attention – one is a quality speculative fiction production… another is a sci-fi tinted conspiracy film… and the third is possibly the most rushed project in Hollywood history.
First off, we have Apollo 18, which has barely begun production as I write this blog, and is in keeping with Hollywood’s renewed fascination with ‘found footage’ movies (Paranormal Activity, The Fourth Kind, The Blair Witch Project).
However, on face value, this movie isn’t scary – at least when compared to it’s predecessors – and is more in line with ‘alternate history’ fiction.
As the project stands right now, the movie posits that the USA launched one final group of astronauts towards the moon in secret atop a Saturn V rocket – the eponymous Apollo 18 – and they found evidence of alien life on the dark side of the moon.
Let’s put aside the ridiculous notion of launching a Saturn V in secret – it’d be kinda visible to everyone in Florida, and the rocket’s thrust output could be measured as far away as California – and admit the story is a tiny bit original and worth a look/see… especially coming from Timur Bekmambetov, who directed Night Watch, Day Watch, and Wanted.
Okay… next we have The Adjustment Bureau, which stars Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, and Mad Men‘s John Slattery.
Based on a Philip K. Dick story, Damon stars as a man who has glimpsed a possible future – only to have a mysterious agency try and force him into a future that has been chosen for him.
Drama, action, and romance ensue as Damon and Blunt fight the powers that be and rage against the machine that would keep them down.
Sounds like a good story to me… but did Dick ever sell a story to Hollywood before he died? Oh wait… Blade Runner.
Finally, we have Rango… and I really don’t know how to describe Rango to you – other than it stars Johny Depp (or, rather, Johny Depp’s voice) as a chameleon with some serious identity issues walking across the stereotypical American south-western desert.
Naturally, hijinks ensue – but in some really mind-bending ways, courtesy of Depp’s Pirates Of The Caribbean director Gore Verbinski.
I’m going to guess that even though Rango seems good for the kids, it’s going to play much better for the accompanying adults.
March 11th: Another packed weekend!
This time, it’s a double bill: Source Code, and Battle: Los Angeles.
Source Code stars Jake Gyllenhaal as U.S. soldier who has been enlisted into a special military program that investigates disasters – by immersing you in the memory of someone who died in the tragedy i.e. you literally are that person once you’re connected to the machine.
Jake has a finite amount of time once in the person’s memories – only up until they die, naturally – to figure out who blew up the train they were riding from clues he can discern from his surroundings.
Problem is, as he goes through the scenario over and over, Jake falls in love with the deceased man’s wife and wants to save her – despite the fact that the disaster has already happened in the real world.
As for the second movie, Battle: Los Angeles, aliens once again come to Planet Earth to get all rowdy-like and kick our asses.
What differentiates this movie from it’s cinematic predecessors, and what saves the movie overall, is that it’s told with an almost documentary-like approach: think Black Hawk Down instead of Independence Day.
The story unfolds from the viewpoint of the soldiers fighting this seemingly vastly superior and unstoppable force after all but one of the major world cities have fallen, and stars the intrinsically trustworthy Aaron Eckhart, Bridget Moynahan, and Michael Peña – with generic bad-ass actress Michelle Rodriguez.
March 18th: Did you like Shaun Of The Dead? How about Hot Fuzz?
Then you’re in for a good time when the Shaun/Fuzz team brings you Paul – a road trip comedy of galactic proportions!
The titular Paul is an alien who’s just trying to make his way home after being a guest of the United States government for a lengthy amount of time – escaping his handlers and hooking up with two UFO geeks who were on a saucer-sighting tour of the U.S.
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Kristen Wiig, Jason Bateman, and Seth Rogen as the voice of Paul.
March 25th: Only one movie of note on this last weekend of March.
Zack Snyder – the director of 300, Watchmen, and Legend Of The Guardians, and future director of the next Superman movie – brings us a wholly original movie that’s not based on comic books or Y/A fiction… one that can be best described as a steampunk Alice In Wonderland with machine guns.
Sucker Punch stars Emily Browning (best known from Lemony Snicket’s An Unfortunate Series Of Events) as a young woman who’s been involuntarily institutionalized at an insane asylum from Hell – and who’s only recourse is to escape into her imagination as a way to cope with what’s been done to her.
Joining her in this visually stunning picture are Mad Men‘s John Hamm, martial artist and Black Dynamite star Michael Jai White, and former Disney sensation Vanessa Hudgens.
SPRING 2011
April 15th: Who’d have thought there’d be another sequel?
Scream 4 is coming at you, ready or not!
Wes Craven again directs a script form Kevin Williamson (creator of Dawson’s Creek), and puts David Arquette, Courtney Cox, and Neve Campbell in front of the camera once more – this time adding Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, Adam Brody, and Mary McDonnell.
Needless to say, Ghostface is back terrorizing the gang thanks to a tell-all book written by one of the original survivors.
Is there any more mileage in this franchise? Guess we’ll have to wait and see.
April 29th: Speaking of mileage and franchises, we’re heading down to Rio de Janeiro…
…for Fast Five a.k.a. The Fast And The Furious 5!
Yes… Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are back for an all-star edition of the high-octane series with Jordana Brewster, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Tyrese Gibson, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, Matt Schulze, Tego Calderon and Don Omar all returning to race cars and avoid the fuzz for as long as possible – this time with Walker also on the lamb after breaking Diesel out of prison.
Oh… and the fuzz? None other than Dwayne “Don’t Call Me The Rock (But You Still Can)” Johnson bringing his biceps and steely gaze to hunt down these criminals – which could turn this into the best adaptation of Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit ever.
May 20th: Double bill time again, but this time with two huge franchise juggernauts.
First up is the fourth film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series, subtitled On Stranger Tides, which finds Johny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow caught up in a quest for the legendary Fountain Of Youth – at the behest of Penelope Cruz.
Only problem is, they’re sailing not on the Black Pearl – but on the Queen Anne’s Revenge… under the command of the notorious pirate Blackbeard (played by Brit stalwart Ian McShane).
Hilarity and adventure will surely sail again on the oceans of the cineplex.
Anyway… moving on!
How many of you out there caught last year’s 2009′s STAR TREK?
Wasn’t it awesome?
Do you remember how at the beginning, James Kirk’s father died heroically saving everyone by ramming the Kelvin into the bad guy’s ship?
Man… that was heart breaking.
Good news everybody! Kirk Sr. (actor Chris Hemsworth) is alive and well!
Errr… except he’s come back as a god… named Thor!
Marvel Entertainment is bringing you the next flick in their Marvel Universe franchise, Thor.
The great thing about the Marvel movies is they all happen in the same universe, which allows for recurring characters to pop up from flick to flick – like Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Furry, or Clark Gregg’s Agent Colson.
Thor tells the story of the Asgardians – who are highly advanced aliens as opposed to gods as the Norwegians would have them – and how Thor’s father Odin (played by Sir Anthony Hopkins) banishes Thor for being too warlike, which lands him on Earth – where he’s studied by S.H.I.E.L.D., and where he slowly learns the value of humanity and how to become a true hero – before Earth is wiped out by nefarious forces.
Thor is directed by Kenneth Branagh, which is an interesting choice due to his previous knack for directing elite British flicks such as Much Ado About Nothing and Henry V – and I think that style can work very well for Thor as the material is fairly Shakespearean in scope.
Couple that with stars like Hopkins, Natalie Portman, Colm Feore, Rene Russo, and Stellan Skarsgård… and you should have a stellar tour de force.
May 27th: Are you ready for some Jack Black?
I mean… good Jack Black… instead of the crappy-collecting-a-paycheque Jack Black in Gulliver’s Travels?
Then you’re more than ready for Kung Fu Panda 2: The Kaboom Of Doom – which reunites Po with his friends, The Furious Five.
But all is not well in Dreamwork’s Asia: a new villain has cropped up, and he’s threatening to use the titular Kaboom Of Doom to conquer China and wipe out all traces of kung fu – which means Po has to get in touch with his roots and figure out who he really is if he’s going to triumph, while making new friends along the way.
Joining Black’s voice talents are Angelina Jolie, Gary Oldman, Seth Rogen, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, Dustin Hoffman, James Woods, David Cross, Michelle Yeoh, Lucy Liu, and Victor Garber.
Summer 2011:
June 3rd: Here come the dog days of the summer blockbuster!
First up… X-Men: First Class.
This is a prequel to the X-Men movie series started a decade ago by Bryan Singer and killed by the ineptitude of Brett Ratner in X-Men 3 – but instead of a few years prior to 2000′s X-Men, this movie goes all the way back into the comic book’s origins… back to the groovy 1960′s.
Yes… a comic book period film – and as is necessary in telling a story far before the narrative we’ve mostly enjoyed to date, the entire X-Men cast has been chucked out the window in favor of younger actors.
Gone are Sirs Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen as Professor Xavier and Magneto – replaced James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender.
The movie tells the origin of the friendship of Xavier and Magneto… and how they came to be two sides of the same coin: not enemies, but having vastly different ideologies – while also telling the story of how Xavier came to found his School For Gifted Children a.k.a. the home base for the X-Men.
June 17th: Let’s all go green!
No… not environmentally friendly (‘cuz you should be doing that already, right?), but going to see Ryan Reynolds in The Green Lantern.
The first DC Comics character to make it to the big screen that’s not named Superman or Batman, The Green Lantern tells the story of a cocky test pilot who discovers a crashed alien ship where he’s given a ring that enables him to do fantastic things with only a thought – but as always, that great power comes with a certain amount of great responsibility: he must join the intergalactic Green Lantern Corps. and become a protector of all that is good in “…the brightest day, the blackest night…”
So get your butts in the theater seats to support a good Canadian boy, will ya?
June 24th: Vrooom, vrooom!
Pixar/Disney brings you their yearly CARtoon masterpiece, Cars 2 in 2011 – and yes, it may be true that the original Cars might have been Pixar’s weakest product to date… but you can’t argue with the merchandising of the brand: young boys just love Cars paraphernalia.
Cars blankets… Cars lunchboxes… Cars wallpaper.
In essence, Cars is the long awaited answer to Disney’s Princess empire – something masculine for boys under 8 years old… but still accessible to all other demographics.
This time around, the Cars gang finds themselves racing across the globe in grand prix events in popular cities around the world – and along the way, Lightning and Tow Mater engage in some James Bondian cloak and dagger escapades.
July 1st: Just in time for Canada Day, Michael Bay returns!
Bringing all new levels of Bayhem, Dreamworks and Paramount submit Transformers 3: The Dark Of The Moon (and no, that’s not a typo) for your approval.
Not only do Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Shia all return to action, but they’ve jettisoned Megan Fox! Thank the Gods!
This time out, we find the world’s governments demanding the expulsion of our Autobot allies – despite their newly revealed role in the Cold War space race between the USA and the USSR… and unknowing of the evil plans of the Decepticon named Shockwave.
Oh… did I mention all of this Bayhem will be in motherfucking 3D!!!!!1! ZOMG! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!
July 15th: Here’s to ya, lad… we’ll miss you (until J.K. Rowling writes more books).
Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows: Part 2 brings Harry’s story to a close with the epic battle that the franchise has been building towards for 10 years – Potter vs. Voldemort.
And while many of you know how this battle will turn out – having read the books ages ago – some of us DON’T, and we will not be deterred after investing a decade of our lives to the story of Harry, Ron, and Hermione.
Which is a rare thing in this rapidly changing world – when was the last time you spent 10 years in earnest with a franchise?
Only Star Trek has had more films… and they’ve been further apart than the Potter movies.
July 22nd: All hands on deck for the captain!
Captain America: The First Avenger brings us the second Marvel Universe movie of the year – not done since the first Iron Man and the rebooted Incredible Hulk in 2008.
Captain America is the story of weakly young man named Steve (actor Chris Evans) who wants to join the Allied efforts in World War II against the Nazis and their Axis pals – but his military application is denied due to his physical stature. About to give up, he meets a military scientist who wants to test his new Super Soldier serum on a human subject – and Steve volunteers himself.
Low and behold, Steve comes out of the experiment as the finest example of manhood that the world has ever seen – faster and stronger than any peer – and is soon drafted to combat Hitler and his goons in Europe.
The rest is… well, history.
In most non-North American global markets, the movie will simply be called The First Avenger in attempts to head off anti-American sentiment at the box office.
July 29th: The month named after Julius Caesar closes out with some good ol’ fashioned western action.
It’s 1873, and Cowboys & Aliens brings you more alien invasion goodness… except in the Wild West!
Despite what some think is a hokey title, Cowboys & Aliens treats the material seriously – so forget Wild Wild West or 2010′s Jonah Hex.
Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford head up this production loosely based off a comic book series of the same name, directed by Iron Man/Iron Man 2/Zathura‘s Jon Favreau – so you can be guaranteed lots of dazzling action balanced by solid acting.
The story is pretty much as I said: aliens invade late 19th Century America, which forces the titular cowboys to get over their differences with themselves and with the native population in hopes of fending off the extraterrestrial hordes.
If you go in looking for a lighthearted comedy, you’ll be leaving sorely disappointed.
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Alrighty, compadres…
This ends Part One of my 2011 Movie Preview.
Keep your eyes peeled for Part Two coming soon! (UPDATE: find it here)
I was saddened today to hear about your feeling like you were being raped by your fans and the media while you’re out and about in public.
How terrible it must feel to put up with photographers, media journalists, and fans wanting to have your attention after the public was nice enough to line your pockets with millions of dollars for simply being yourself on movie and TV screens around the globe – well, maybe not EXACTLY like yourself since movie directors tend to make you express your default angst and lip biting on command instead of when you’re being naturally emo.
My heart goes out to you for having to deal with a public that has made you from a nobody bit player in the background of better actors’ scenes to a worldwide anti-crush for tween girls and cougar moms who would gladly kill you to share the limelight with Robert Pattison.
$26,000,000 (twenty-six million dollars in case you have problems with numbers) from the Twilight saga movie tickets – not including box office percentage points in your contract – does not in any way entitle society to be curious about you – to know what kind of person you are!
I find it incredibly ignorant and unimaginable that the general public doesn’t simply forget that you exist once the end credits roll.
I mean, seriously now… you’re not in this business for the money and fame.
In fact, I’m fairly certain that you’re being held captive in Los Angeles somewhere… being forced to go in front of the cameras time and time again – when you would really prefer to be working at a Taco Bell restaurant in Seattle.
The key to determining your slave status is that you simply refuse to act – which is a very clever tactic from someone who is serving her slave masters under what is surely the threat of being shot – in any movie these cruel and heartless movie pimps set you up in.
It’s easy to tell that this is your strategy when you compare your output in films like Twilight and Adventureland with footage of you in real life – there is absolutely no discernible difference!
Ms. Stewart, I really implore you to work harder at getting out the message to people that you want out of the Hollywood business.
Maybe you could learn Morse code and then blink your eyes in an S.O.S. pattern while on camera as Kristen Stewart Bella?
Someone out there in a movie theater will surely catch on and come to your rescue – escorting you to that job mopping floors at Taco Bell and allowing you to stew in your own angst privately.
But until then, the movie watching public will suffer – as you surely do – through the movies your agent/pimp makes you work in.
Yours sincerely,
Stormcastle
p.s. Could you please send me your millions of dollars since you don’t want them? I feel terrible that you’d be constantly antagonized by the fruits of your slave labor.
That would the number of people who died in the Titanic disaster 98 years ago – at time far removed from today’s information-powered world.
Yet, even today, the disaster ripples through society.
It gives us all a moment a pause – whether outright or in our thoughts – on a scale that only few events in history can.
9/11.
J.F.K.
The World Wars.
The public at large remembers these, unlikely to ever forget entirely – forming an emotional resonance and attachment that is hard to equal in history.
People don’t really connect to the death of Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson the way they have to the epic tale of Titanic’s demise.
Why is that?
What is that secret ingredient that allows the world to mourn something forever?
It’s the common factor – how events effect the common person in society that matters in these instances.
The majority of the people who died aboard Titanic were of common stock – 3rd class citizens during the Edwardian era where the tragedy took place – who were the working poor, or those who could at least break even.
Sure, there were a small cadre of tycoons who met their doom – some by choice, other by the rules of a polite and enlightened society (women and children first).
But by and large, the dead were comprised of people who had nothing – who were traveling to the New World in hopes of a better life.
A better life that never came.
Dreams, wishes, and lives extinguished due to the hubris of a society who thought iron could do them no wrong.
So emboldened by technology that they flew in the face of fate – practically daring it to strike them down – and Fate was more than willing to engage them, sending the largest ship that had ever been built (at the time) to the bottom of the North Atlantic.
Of course, as with many human dramas, money was at the heart of this terrible misadventure.
Despite the sheer opulence of the floating palace that Titanic represented to it’s 1st and 2nd class passengers, Titanic was built for one purpose: transporting mass numbers of 3rd class passengers to North America.
Back then, the large ships were meant to make companies like White Star Lines and Cunard Lines money by fulfilling the dreams of the poor to start their lives over in the land of milk and honey – much in the same way cattle are moved around from place to place in today’s commodity markets.
In fact, the 3rd class passengers were referred to as ‘steerage’ in the common industry parlance of the day.
Moving these dreamers in bulk maximized profits for White Star, so the push was for bigger and bigger ships was good for business – without the foresight to see problems in the design work, or the will to spend extra money of safety measures beyond the headline-grabbing technologies.
Yes, Titanic had the revolutionary water-tight bulkheads that made the literature of the day declare her ‘practically unsinkable’ – which was a fantastic feature given the era – but it also had design failures that were either not foreseen by the same authors, or were purposely left out of the articles after insistence by White Star.
The biggest design failing that was incorporated into the Olympic-class ships was the pitifully small rudder when compared to the length of the ships – which meant the ships couldn’t corner worth a damn, and meant Titanic could not steer her way out of a collision with an iceberg on short notice.
Of course, this is knowledge determined over nearly a century of hindsight.
The painfully obvious – and hammered upon in James Cameron’s movie - fact was White Star’s refusal to install the number of life rafts allotted for in Thomas Andrew’s designs due to the unseemly appearance of a crowded deck where the 1st and 2nd class passenger would stroll about.
I’m sure this wasn’t an explicit swipe at the 3rd class citizens – who were quite disposable in that era’s social hierarchy, despite them carrying the upper crust on their backs – but more in line with the hubris I mentioned earlier.
Like I said, Titanic and her sisters were built with catering to the 3rd class in mind – not to endanger or belittle them.
It’s a common fact that White Star’s accommodations for the 3rd class passengers were classier than the competition – almost worlds apart, in comparison.
The dining areas of Titanic’s steerage sections were staffed by friendly people and appointed quite well: tablecloths, porcelain dishes, good silverware, and a fairly robust menu given the social circumstances.
White Star depended on the 3rd class enjoying their experience on Titanic so much that the menu cards that those passengers ordered from were designed with postcards on the reverse side – so not only would the people write home to their relatives in the Old World about how happy they were with their treatment aboard ship, the postcard itself would be an advertisement of what a prospective 3rd class passenger could expect to dine on during their trip (a rather ingenious marketing ploy – even by today’s standards)
Even the 1st and 2nd class appointments of Titanic were secondary considerations to the development of better and faster ways to deliver 3rd class citizens to America’s shores – designed to give social sizzle to the endeavor so it would stir the public’s imagination.
A ploy to give even the poorest of people dreams of what it would be like to move to America and make their own fortunes – fortunes that would allow them to book a return trip one day in that very luxury that inspired them in the first place.
However, in the end, it was all for naught – at least for Titanic’s passengers.
The mountain of steel and iron was no match for an equally massive mountain of frozen water – especially at the speed that Titanic’s owner, whom was aboard the ship on it’s maiden voyage (Robert Ismay), had demanded she be going.
All 46,328 tons of the ship were heading to the bottom of the ocean as of 2:20 A.M. in the morning of April 15th, 1912.
Never to be seen again – at least, not until the wee hours of the morning on the 1st of September in 1985.
Since that date, Titanic’s wreck has become a popular destination for those who are curious and who have the technological know-how to dive the 2.33 miles to the bottom – risking their lives in the process.
For many of the people who have been to Titanic’s grave (or a seeking a way there), the rusting hulk represents the human failure to realize that we as a species do not rule the universe – but it also reminds us of the pettiness that our society is capable of… how easy it is for us to belittle those who don’t have the same advantages in life that we do.
Titanic’s wreck is also a time capsule – a time capsule that is slowly dissolving away in the frigid depths far from the eyes of the everyday people.
It’s a view backwards through time – even if it’s a rust-coloured view – towards a time where there were no computers, no internet, no cell phones, no video games… towards a time where mankind sought to fashion technological wonders out of the Earth’s raw materials with his bare hands and the strength of his biceps (there were no robots and complex hydraulic machines to assist in Titanic’s construction – each rivet in her hull was brutalized into shape my men swinging massive hammers).
It’s a time capsule that captures the immense hopefulness that existed in the world prior to World War One and the following Great Depression – what humankind hoped that the future would look like.
However, the wreck is also the tomb and grave marker for those 1,517 souls – and this lends the Titanic’s remains a complexity that interests people on a fundamental level… a paradox in attitudes.
The man who led the team who located Titanic’s wreck, Dr. Robert Ballard, is of the view that Titanic should be left alone as the grave that it is – instead of being poked and prodded (and plundered by some).
Others insist the wreckage be archaeologically cataloged before it completely collapses in on itself – which is entirely inevitable – and becomes nothing more than a rust stain on the bottom of the Atlantic.
It’s a moral battle suited to philosophers, but often boils down to money and the will to do something.
The money flows in two basic directions: RMS Titanic Inc. and the Russian Academy Of Sciences.
RMS Titanic Inc. is the legal owner of the wreck and has the right to salvage anything that it finds of interest from the wreck, sending the collection of over 5,000 artifacts (including a 17 ton section of the ship’s hull) around the world on tour – allowing people to visually connect with the history and tragedy of the Titanic for a modest fee.
The Russian Academy Of Sciences is the go-to agency for hiring submersibles able to dive to Titanic’s depths – of which there are few – and business is fairly brisk at the pace of up to five expeditions a year departing from St. John’s, Newfoundland in Canada (the closest major port to Titanic’s resting place).
There are other people and agencies that profit from Titanic – mainly media corporations that create documentaries for the masses, and of course, Paramount Pictures and 20th Century Fox who released the 2nd highest-grossing film in history based on the Titanic story.
So, again, Titanic boils down to money.
How tragic.
And yet… amusing when you consider the futility.
In the end, I’m asking that you ignore all my meandering in this blog, and for you to just set aside a moment and try to take your mind to a place that can truly appreciate the human tragedy of Titanic for a few moments since there’s not a single Titanic survivor left to do so.
As the old Native American saying goes, something exists only as long as the last person who remembers it.
Those 1,517 people existed because I remember them – and I hope you will remember them, too.
For more Titanic facts, please consult the following links:
So here again I go… down that smokey, crater-pocked, ranting road – bringing nonsense and jibber-jabber out into the bright sunlight where one would expect it to shrivel up and die like so many witches who have had houses dropped on them.
But no.
These items will go on, almost like a ballad by Celine Dion, and continue to curse society as a whole for God only knows how long.
Oh well…
On with the show!
ITEM NUMBER SEVEN
Violence perpetrated by young girls.
Where did this come from?
Back in the day, girls were supposed to be the fairer sex – not the one that will shank you with a pair of scissors for talking trash on Facebook.
What is the source of this simmering anger in today’s generations of teens? Who is causing this?
Is this a product of the generational battle for women’s equality?
Is it some bizarro manifestation of penis envy?
Have girls come to the realization that the only way that they can top their male classmates physically is to go bat-shit crazy at the drop of a hat in ways that most guys would never consider?
Young men are often perplexed because they don’t know how to react if a girl gets violent with them because – despite outward appearances – boys still adhere to the ages-old mantra that females are delicate and therefor not to be roughed up.
I say screw that!
Boys, if you’re reading this, fight back!
If a girl thinks her pants are big enough to take a swing at you, and it connects, feel free to slug her back.
Equality for women works both ways – not just the positive things like bigger paychecks.
It means equal treatment, and equal treatment means that they can get a whole hearted return on all their actions – they should be perfectly ready to take any bruises that they have coming to them as a result of things they’ve done.
Call me a brutish caveman if you like, but fair is fair.
ITEM NUMBER EIGHT
12 year old girls that have cleavage that would put Barbie to shame.
Twenty-two years ago, when I was 12 years old, my female peers were flat as a lumpy board for the most part.
What is the process behind this gender acceleration?
Is it the metric tonne of growth hormone that preteens have consumed by the time puberty rolls around through various foodstuffs?
Every piece of meat… every glass of milk… every single item that we put in our mouths that came from an animal is loaded with growth hormones – drugs that are fed to cow, pigs, and chickens to speed up their maturation so that they can be slaughtered, be milked, or lay eggs faster and be more profitable.
Society in general sees sexual activity statistics of the very young and shake their heads without taking into account that little Krystina isn’t so little anymore and is giving J-Lo and Shakira a serious run for their money.
It’s a biological certainty – hardwired into human DNA – that once girls develop the equipment, they feel the need to employ it.
All they have to do is find a male who’s reached an equivalent state of sexual maturity – and I can only presume that the genders are on equal footing since they all eat the same food.
As Sherlock Holmes would say, it’s elementary.
If you parents want to put that sexual genie back in the bottle, demand that the food you buy is organic and not modified by big corporations for a faster buck.
Assuming that this trend hasn’t already bound itself it to our DNA, the 38DD 12 year olds should thin out over time.
ITEM NUMBER NINE
Virtual copies that you never actually own.
There’s a push amongst the tech savvy to get rid of hard copies of DVDs/Blu-Ray discs/CDs in favor of virtual copies that you purchase online from Amazon or iTunes that will ‘always be there’ for you to stream whenever you feel like it.
How does this even make sense?
Do you not understand how fragile corporations are?
What happens to that $20 investment if the company you ‘purchased’ it from goes tits up?
Your movie, TV shows, music, or book will go bye-bye and you’ll have zero to show for your money.
This may seem like an odd argument coming from me – someone who likes to stay somewhere near the cutting edge of technology – but it’s firmly rooted in reality.
Have you ever experienced a service outage from an online business that you rely on?
YouTube is down for maintenance?
Getting the Fail Whale page over at Twitter?
Your internet service provider is having a bad day?
Your copy of Assassin’s Creed 2 isn’t working because Ubisoft’s DRM servers are offline – making it so you can’t play the game you just paid $60 dollars for?
How is it even sane to trust an online company to keep your precious purchase for posterity?
Are you frakkin’ kidding me?
Hollywood, I demand that you keep pumping out hard copies of your entertainment products so that I can always access the media at any second of my life that I wish to enjoy it.
I take pride in looking at my shelf of DVDs, visually confirming at a glance that I spent my money wisely on things that I enjoy.
I don’t think that I have to explain the tactile joy of holding something that you just spent money on – a self-justification that you’re living a life that you that you’ve worked hard at.
Online digital copies are abstract thoughts – ephemeral by their very digital nature, nothing but a series of ones and zeroes residing on a server thousands of kilometers from where you live.
You don’t own it.
All you’ve done is paid someone for the privilege of maybe looking at that media item if all the various techno gods are smiling on you today.
Fuck that.
ITEM NUMBER TEN
Spending ridiculous amounts of money on your child’s first birthday party.
You do realize that 1 year old Bobby Junior is going to have zero recollection of the event, right?
I mean, other than the cute/embarrassing photos that you will take of his face covered in chocolate ice cream cake.
Exactly what are you trying to prove?
Do you think that the number of balloons, quality of the hired entertainment, and size of the cake and goody bags is somehow relevant to the amount that you love your child?
Is how much you love your offspring measured in dollars and cents?
Of course not – unless it is… in which case you really need to get yourself some therapy and perhaps give your child up for adoption.
No… the only reason you make such a big deal of his or her turning the ripe old age of 1 is so that you can stake out your position in the social hierarchy of your circle of friends and acquaintances – and not for any valid emotional experience between your and your child.
Let’s be honest here: the party is going to emotionally overwhelm little Bobby/Sally as they simply don’t yet have the faculties to process the information overload that’s on offer.
The parents that do go to these insane lengths wonder to themselves why their child – in more cases than not – is in a rotten mood and making such a fuss amongst all the faux revelry.
Do yourself a huge favor if you have a child who is going to complete their first year on this planet of ours: buy or make a cupcake and stick a candle in it – maybe even a sparkler if you want to go for some wow-factor.
Chances are that it’s going to be 1000% more of an genuine emotional bonding experience with your baby than the three-ring circus happening at the birthday party down the block.
Ask any Apple product user out there in the wilds of the internet or – gasp! – in the real world what made them buy their Mac/iPod/iPhone, and you’ll almost invariably get the same answer: they’re innovative.
I suppose this could be held out to be true if you were a technological neophyte who knew little about the technology that’s inside their purchase.
The problem with that is this: there is a very large number of people in this world who actually know what the parts and software that comprises an Apple product does – thusly knowing the inherent limitations of the device.
This creates a problem for Steve Jobs, and it’s the number one reason why he moves heaven and earth in attempts to make Apple products look cool – to make them fashionable status symbols.
If it’s white & shiny, or black & shiny, people are more likely to gloss over (hahahah… so punny!) the nagging problems that they encounter over the lifetime of the product – which isn’t going to be more than 2 years in reality due to Apple releasing a newer version of the flashy technojewelery that they paid a ridiculously large sum of money for.
What’s that? The product was worth all the extra cash?
Again: technojewelry.
You buy these things to look fashionable, and not based on technological superiority.
Want to know something interesting? The average uncut diamond is worth about $10 when you factor in rarity and the processing of rock to extract it.
$10.
Now, yes, that’s in its uncut state and cutting is where the art is – and where most jewelers will justify the 2000% markup.
Does this sound familiar?
Have you ever done comparative shopping between a Mac and a PC?
Technologically, the systems aren’t any different – yet the prices are excessively separate.
Side by side, the two machines might be different in appearances, but they’re essentially the same under the hood.
All the parts involved are mostly made in the same factories by the same manufacturers to roughly the same standards – though the Mac parts might be lower powered when compared to the same PC part.
The internal guts of these two computers might be arranged slightly different – but let’s be honest: a lot of PC makers arrange their parts in different configurations while trying to get a leg up, yet they all run Windows.
However, when we go to look at the price tags on each machine, you have to do a double/triple/quadruple/quintuple look!
The PC will be priced at $799.
The Mac will be priced at $2,799 (or more: see here)
I’m sorry.
Say what?
You want me to pay $2,000 dollars extra for what is essentially the same machine?
Are you out of your freakin’ mind?
What’s that, Mr. Jobs? You want to make the same kind of money that HP, Dell, and Acer do in their PC divisions?
But you only have 5% of the world’s personal computer market! That’s madness!
Oh… wait… I see what you’re doing!
Jack up the price on every computer so that it LOOKS like you’re selling 3.5 units every time a single computer is purchased!
Genius!
Your accountants must love you!
When Apple is making 3.5 times the money per computer, it really looks like they command 17.5% of the computer market when you boil it down to dollars and cents (cents, not sense)…
…when the truth is nowhere near that.
I have to give Mr. Jobs credit, though.
It takes huge, gigantic brass balls to make a money play like that.
The fact that he gets $5 for every $100 spent on personal computing is really an accomplishment – but it’s nowhere enough for a publicly traded company that has shareholders looking for money to put in their pockets.
What was Mr. Jobs to do? How could he make more money for the people who had invested their hard-earned dollars in Apple stock?
Why… take the technojewelry concept to the next level!
Jewelry isn’t very practical if you can’t wear it on your body, is it?
Thus came the Apple iPod.
Contrary to what Apple would want you to believe, the iPod wasn’t the first MP3 player on the market, despite it’s current cultural ubiquitousness.
All Mr. Jobs did was pair together function (which was being done already by other companies) with form – which was something relatively revolutionary at the time.
People could walk around enjoying their music while feeling good about how swell the iPod looked and accessorized their lifestyle.
Apple even cared enough about their customers to make a web store to sell music directly to iPod users – because, honestly, buying a CD in a physical/real world music store was just too hard with all the track ripping and what not.
They’re even generous enough to only keep 35 cents of every 99 cents (the rest goes to the music industry), only leaving them $475,000 a day in profits!
But… that wasn’t enough money.
Shareholders screamed MOAR!
They money hungry stock owners saw that the MP3 player market was saturated with products that did everything the iPod did and more!
The Microsoft Zune plays HD video and the current generation iPod doesn’t.
But… it was black & shiny! OMFG! More technojewelry!
Shareholders screamed MOAR!
They money hungry stock owners saw that the smartphone market was saturated with products that did everything the iPhone did and more!
So here we are now in the era of the iPad – and I won’t make a stale joke about feminine hygiene products.
In it’s most basic sense, the iPad is just a jumbo iPhone/iPod Touch – which as usual isn’t upgradeable, and the early adopters will curse it’s lack of Flash and/or Silverlight, among it’s dozen or so shortcomings.
It doesn’t bring anything new to the market, and I’m sure the stock owners are a bit puzzled since it will be VERY easy for a competitor to top the iPad with very little to no research & development costs.
Sure, there’s the App Store and another potential for $2.4 billion dollars in revenue a year – and maybe that’s enough for stock owners.
However, they really have to be glancing over in Google’s direction with a little bit of nervousness – and not just because of the price difference in stocks (at the time of my writing this blog, Apple was at $200 USD a share vs. Google’s $543), but because Google seems to be hell-bent on taking on both Microsoft AND Apple.
Have you ever seen a Google phone? One that either runs on Google software or is marketed directly to the masses by Google themselves?
Wow. Do you have any idea how tedious it’s getting to write statements like that? Do you?
Anyway…
In the end, as hopefully you can see by now, is that Apple doesn’t offer the world anything that’s better than the competitors.
So why oh why do the Apple fanboy/fangirls of the world continue to scream at the tops of the lungs that ‘Apple is the best EVAR!’?
What is it that inspires such blind and almost unequivocal (see Linux fanboys) devotion?
Have I mentioned the white/black & shiny?
The technojewelry?
Oh… I have?
That’s the sum of it.
If that’s so, why is Justin Long still on TV poking fun of John Hodgman’s PC after what seems like 20 years?
Apple still feels insecure, that’s why.
And it’s a justified insecurity because someone in the Apple hierarchy has a level head on their shoulders and sees the truth of the matter i.e. that ultimately, Apple products are inferior.
Why that person hasn’t been fired personally by Steve Jobs is an incredulous miracle, but I think it has a lot to do with those stock holders.
Apple Computer nearly died a long slow death not very long ago, and shareholders would really rather that not happen again – thus the reality checker at Apple’s headquarters in Cupertino, California.
As far as Apple’s computer line is considered, the fans will shout words like the afore-mentioned innovation, as well as words and concepts like ‘easy to use’, and ‘virus free’.
Easy to use?
I suppose they are when you take into consideration that using OS X and its various iterations is sort of like taking the Windows experience, making it prettier (though Windows 7 is pretty gorgeous) and then dumbing it down so a kindergarten student can use it.
What’s that, Infuriated Mac Fanboy?
Windows Vista/7 ripped off OS X?
Truth of the matter is that Microsoft had been working on a visual update for Windows long before OS X hit the market, and there is reams of data to back that up readily available from the U.S. Justice Department if you know where to ask (data related to investigations into Microsoft’s anti-competitiveness).
However, I’ll let David Pogue deal with the Vista vs. OS X battle over here.
Finally, let’s address the ‘virus free’ banner that Mac fanboys/fangirls like to wrap themselves up in before facing the world.
Yes, there are very few viruses out on the interwebs that are specifically coded for Macintosh computers.
Is it because Apple computers are inherently bulletproof when it comes to malware written in someone’s basement by their no-good, Cheetos-eating, Red Bull-drinking miscreant of an offspring?
No.
Is it because it’s easier to write anti-virus code for a Mac?
Nope.
Is it because Steve Jobs flies around the internet and eats all the potential Mac virus bombs before they can be delivered!
Yes!
Oh wait… no… that’s not it at all.
The reason Mac users go their entire Apple product using lives without encountering a nasty virus that wants to corrupt their data or hijack their internet connections is this: 5%.
Five measly percentage points.
Why would virus writers – who depend on vast numbers of computers to distribute their ill-meaning wares to other vast numbers of computers – bother writing a virus that would only effect 5% of the computer ecosystem?
There’s no money or no glory in 5% of the world.
If you were walking down an alley and you saw a dollar with 5 pennies on top of it, which would you pick up? The dollar or the pennies?
I dunno about you, but I’m sure as hell taking the dollar – and that’s exactly the way virus writers see the internet…
…and that’s the exact reason why Macs are virus free.
They’re not popular enough.
If you’re a Mac user and reading this blog, take great comfort in your binary isolation.
But beware, Mac User: if Microsoft, Google, and Linux all suddenly disappear like you wish every night before falling asleep, guess who’s gonna be the most disease-ridden girl at the Internet Prom?
First thing off the bat that I noticed was the directing SUCKED.
Camera people were consistently out of place, and the coordinators had almost no idea of where anyone was seated.
WTF? How do you screw that shit up?
But I digress…
Big winner of the night were the Na’vi – who walked away with Best Motion Picture and Best Director – which A) really primes the movie for Oscar glory, and B) was inevitable.
Robert Downey, Jr. got some love for SHERLOCK HOLMES – but I was really puzzled about the category: Comedy/Musical.
Me thinks I’ll have to check that flick out to properly gauge the jokes and musical numbers.
Hollywood’s most overlooked workhorse, Jeff Bridges, finally got an award for his country music flick CRAZY HEART – which I have yet to see (anyone want to send me a screener copy?).
One of the most dumbfounding moments of the night was Drew Barrymore getting some hardware for GRAY GARDENS – not because she won (she’s always charming) but the fact that she’s never won a Golden Globe before, especially since she’s been coming to the awards since she was 7 or 8 years old.
It was cool to see what Michael Giacchino actually looked like (musical score for UP) as I’d never laid eyes on him before – so now he goes into the mental gallery with Danny Elfman and John Williams.
It was fitting that the scene-chewing Jew Hunter from INGLORIOUS BASTERDS won a trophy as Cristoph Waltz is actually a pretty decent dude.
The TV awards were pretty lame as nobody from any worthwhile shows won awards – though MAD MEN picked up Best Show (obvious, no?).
…Which brings me to the show’s actual Golden Globes:
Oh… and Ricky Gervais’ shot at Mel Gibson? Priceless!
Like… it was there, and then Laura Roslin airlocked it.
Except… substitute the prez of The 12 Colonies with James Cameron.
Now, before you even think of saying it, I haven’t bought into the Cameron fanboy hyperbole – I’m really trying to be objective here in my summations.
I’ve just come home from a 7 p.m. 3D screening of AVATAR and these are – what I hope – my clearly understandable insights.
*Thoughts On The Story*
Okay, I’m not going to go into a play-by-play of the movie because I don’t want to spoil the experience for you, but I will give you my artistic observations.
As with all of his films (except for Piranha), Cameron has worked from his own story, which I think is always good when you’re going to blow $300,000,000 of somebody’s money: you need to be familiar with the narrative inside and out, forwards and backwards.
With this movie idea gestating in Jim’s brain since he was a teenager, I don’t think there is anyone else on the planet more equipped to tell the story of Jake Sully: Avatar Driver.
To boil AVATAR to its bare essence, it’s a movie about a boy and a girl – that standard and popcorn-bathed escapist standby that has been the root of most Hollywood blockbusters since God knows when.
Boy And A Girl movies appeal to just about everyone since it connects with the audience on a deep psycho-biologic level: everybody wants to meet that 1 somebody that transforms their life, and the story of AVATAR does that very, very well without being exploitative (a degree upwards from Cameron’s TITANIC – and I’m not hating on TITANIC either… just sayin’).
That’s not to say that the overall story arch of the movie isn’t exploiting anything… no no no.
This movie plays heavily on the guilt we feel about all the crazy, destructive shit we’re doing to Planet Earth – and it grabs that guilt by the spine and gives it a severe thrashing… maybe the most heavy-handed since AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.
However, it does it in the way STAR TREK has always dealt with real-world situations: via metaphor.
A very connectable metaphor with characters that the audience can identify/identify with – which is kind of the hallmark of Cameron films: characters that represent easily recognizable human traits and foibles i.e. greed, heroism, tenacity, stubbornness, caring, etc.
Speaking of connections, I must say that I love how all the indigenous life on Pandora has built-in biologic USB ports (maybe a bit plot-specific, but it’s one thing that amused/entertained me greatly).
I think one of the best qualities of the story is that you get sucked in and completely forget that you’re looking at something that is A) 3D, and B) 90% CGI – which says a lot because people have been hammering the hard-sell for AVATAR based on those two things alone.
Which brings me to…
*Thoughts On The 3D/Cinematography*
First off, this new wave of 3D is probably here to stay – way beyond a passing gimmick.
Yes, AVATAR is the absolute best showcase for this new technology.
Yes, the story is really sold by the 3D.
Could the story have functioned without it?
Yes. The 3D scope of the movie doesn’t get ‘gimmicky’ at any point, so the footage would translate (and has) quite well – though I haven’t seen the 2D version, and probably won’t until it debuts on DVD in the spring.
What the 3D footage does accomplish is give us a functioning window into things that don’t exist.
Is the 3D perfect?
No.
The current technology probably tops out at 80% perfect – but that failing is purely on the display side of things as far as I can tell.
My most prevalent observation is that movement in the near foreground can’t be tracked properly from eye to eye through the polarization effect that your glasses provide – which results in a blurriness that you could compare to a really low resolution photograph, despite the fact that the image is ultra-crisp.
It can be distracting sometimes in AVATAR and was my only real gripe with my experience (other than having horrible movie watchers scattered around me in the theater).
If there’s moving vegetation in the immediate foreground of the shot, I could never see it clearly.
This could also be an artifact of the digital projection system employed to show the new 3D films – a sort of pixel aliasing maybe.
Or… it could be purely my own eye-to-eye visual acuity.
Feel free to comment below if you experience the same.
Another thing that’s great is Cameron created physical camera moves inside his virtual construct, complete with shaky-cam vibrations to create that visceral action feeling – which really enhanced the experience I think.
The major technical hurdle that Cameron and his Weta Workshop artists completely decimated was the physics problem CGI in movies has always suffered from: 3D versus 4D.
4D?
Reality as we perceive it has FOUR dimensions: length, width, height, and time – time being the measurable space between any two points.
Computer generated imagery in movies has never really captured that fourth dimension: things happen too fast or too slow when compared to a similar sequence that was filmed from real life, and the resulting plasticity of the image was always a bit jarring for me if that CGI footage was up close and personal on the big screen.
However, AVATAR displayed not a frame of this problem – and I think that’s a result of James Cameron’s relentless search for perfection.
None of the movement on screen seemed pre-planned – it all feels completely organic.
The action didn’t seem to be animated – which is something incredible considering the amount of animation done – and I’m not even taking into consideration the photo-realistic textures applied to the virtual models.
Yes, AVATAR is photo realistic – to the point where you forget that you’re watching CG.
The only times you remember that you’re watching CG is those moments where the scenes feature flora and fauna that is simply too fantastic to exist – at least to our puny, Earth-bound comprehensions.
You will believe in 9-foot tall blue aliens that run around virtually naked National Geographic-style.
*Thoughts On How AVATAR Fits Into Cinematic History*
Is AVATAR James Cameron’s best movie ever?
No.
So far, he’s topped out with TITANIC.
AVATAR is fantastic popcorn escapism, but it doesn’t really explore the human condition like TITANIC.
Is AVATAR the best movie of the year?
Probably not.
I’ve seen quite a few flicks this year, and there were at least 3 that had a more solid impact… DISTRICT 9 comes to mind immediately.
However, I can say that it can go toe-to-toe with this year’s other sci-fi darling: STAR TREK.
However, AVATAR is probably the flick that kept me on the edge of my seat for the longest – and that’s saying something as I’ve become a bit jaded and analytical when I sit in the theater as of late.
So where does AVATAR sit in the Hollywood pantheon of cinematic history?
Top 3D flick of all time, that’s for sure.
Best December wide-release in more than a decade.
Best movie that takes place in the future and features humans vs. aliens that wasn’t called ALIENS (coincidentally also directed by James Cameron).
Hands down the best flick featuring CGI – sorry, Pixar (but I still love you!).
For sure the best movie featuring new A-List phenomenon Sam Worthington (TERMINATOR SALVATION was tepid at best).
Overall, I think AVATAR is the best way to close out the ‘Mean Decade’ – and yes, I have yet to lay eyes on SHERLOCK HOLMES, but I highly doubt that it will approach AVATAR in enjoyability (even though I like Robert Downey, Jr. – it’s just Guy Ritchie’s style that discounts it even before I see it).
*Conclusions*
Go see this movie.
See it in 3D while you can for less than $2,500 (starting price for new, top of the line 3D HDTV sets).
You’ll leave the theater feeling good about life – which really is a tangible something.
AVATAR won’t change your life, but it’s definitely the best way to spend your movie bucks right now.
Oh… you’re really saving your dollars to see CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKUEL?
Leave this blog and never come back! You’re banished for having horrendous taste in film.
And no… having kids is NOT a viable excuse, LOL.
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If you somehow have missed the trailers for AVATAR and have no idea what the movie looks like, please view the following:
Not the type as brought to vivid cinematic life by Johnny Depp.
Nope.
No sailing vessels brandishing the good ol’ Jolly Roger (well… there IS one, but I’ll get to that).
This is the type that I think 90% of us have been guilty from time to time.
This is a blog about what is referred to as I.P. Piracy – the piracy of Intellectual Property.
These days, this battle is fought over the much discussed file-sharing programs that live on a lot of our computers – whether we identify ourselves as pirates or not – and that we don’t much think about since it seems natural to us.
However, this sort of piracy is but only the latest iteration of a time-honored tradition that has been happening for generations – at least as far back as 1965, and is only coming to the forefront now due to it’s ease of use in the digital age.
Let those of us who are old enough remember back to the days of the mix tape.
What a wondrous thing!
We could put 60 minutes of music on a portable storage device and take it wherever we wanted… 1 hour of music that we, the people, chose from various sources and artists to entertain us and our friends.
We were not beholden to what the music empires of Hollywood forced us to listen to if we didn’t want to. We could put 12 songs on a tape, and each of those songs could be by twelve different artists signed with 12 different music labels (whether we owned the source albums or recorded the tunes from the radio) – thereby creating our own musical identity that reflected exactly who we were.
This is what lead to the often quoted act of giving a mix tape to the person who you loved – something that you hoped would let them see who you truly were.
Yes. Those were the days of such universal freedom.
It was pretty much the same process – but with video!
We could record any movie we wanted onto a fairly cheap VHS tape at various speeds and levels of quality to maximize our viewing pleasure – sometimes as many as THREE movies on one tape! (Which for the most part, can’t be replicated on a DVD to this day – FYI.)
We could tape movies right off the TV (when watching movies on broadcast television was still relevant to the masses), or those of us with sufficient technological savvy could rent movies and then duplicate them to our own VHS tapes with nobody being the wiser for it!
Let’s do a quick poll:
How many of you over the age of 25 have done either the mix tape or the VHS recording? Come on, be honest with yourself.
That’s what I thought.
All of you are pirates!
How does it feel to be one of Hollywood’s most wanted – and not because you’re talented?
You’re not a pirate?
Think again, me harties.
You all signed up aboard the good ship S.S. Somethin’ Fer Nothin’…
…And trust me: Hollywood hates you.
Hates you with a fury that is seldom matched throughout the passages of history.
If the Hollywood studios knew exactly where you lived, they’d send out 5 musclebound goons to each and every one of your houses and homes to take baseball bats and crowbars to all of your electronics and other prized possessions – smashing everything into teeny-tiny bits and smoldering circuits before giving you a solid punch to the gut on the way out of your house as a thank you.
Why?
I’ll tell you EXACTLY why, dear friends and readers.
Money.
They would do that over money.
You see, every time you made a mix tape or did up VHS copies of movies and shows, you were paying the studios precisely zero dollars and zero cents (not entirely true for Canadians: there has long been a secret tax that you don’t see on the receipt applied to blank recording media sold in Canada, and that sales tax is funneled in the direction of organizations ‘representing’ recording artists and production studios).
This ‘free’ entertainment does not sit well with studio executives at all.
No sirree, Bob.
Hollywood studios expect – no, DEMAND – to be paid for every single nanosecond of entertainment that they produce – which is a somewhat fair expectation since they paid X number of millions of dollars to produce and market it.
If you’re listening to The Beastie Boys, you better have paid Def Jam, Grand Royal, and Capitol Records the money owed.
If you just finished watching The Dark Knight, the Warner Brothers and their sister Dot better have your cash in exchange for that privilege.
Before I go on here, I would like to point out a fairly gargantuan logic hole in Hollywood: stores that sell previously enjoyed records/tapes/CDs/video cassettes/DVDs.
All of the money that is made via the reselling of previously owned Hollywood product does not go anywhere near Hollywood.
Profits made by these stores go straight into the store owner’s pockets, which are then levied by the tax man. Neither the store owner or the tax man share this bounty with Warner Brothers, Viacom, Universal, Fox, or any of the others in the myriad of media studios.
To this day, Hollywood has not made a public complaint about these operations.
For all intents and purposes, the big studios don’t care since they’ve been paid at least once for the music and movies that are being sold – whether it’s being resold once or 100 times – which is not too dissimilar from what happens in the world of digital piracy since 80% of the material out there for download has been purchased from a retailer initially.
As I said, it’s a huge hole in Hollywood’s argumentative logic.
Oooooh boy. How many vital organs do you think you can live without?
I only ask because Hollywood wants to eviscerate you and roast the resulting organs on a spit over the burning coals of everything you own.
Gory, yes… but oh so completely accurate.
Believe you me, friends: there are studio executives out there who would take those of you who download stuff habitually, place you against a wall before a cluster of HD video cameras streaming the feed live over the internet from multiple angles, and shoot you in the face personally without any moral qualms or hesitation in hopes of discouraging your comrades from doing what you were doing without thought.
However, since this a world full of laws and regulations, they can not do that.
So they’ve been doing the next best thing – well, the next thing legally available to them within the framework of the law – and suing individual people in court over what they describe as intellectual property theft.
This has happened to thousands of people in the United States, and to a smaller number of people in other jurisdictions – regardless of legal standing.
In many cases, there is no specific proof and is the legal equivalent of ‘He said/She said’.
For the most part, the inner guilt or limited financial means of their victims quickly result in monetary settlements that reach into thousands of dollars.
There have been a few cases that eventually wound their way to trial this year – even long after the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) had said they would stop issuing legal actions against suspected file sharers.
Surprisingly – given the nature of the so called “evidence” – one woman was found guilty and ordered to pay a whopping 1.92 million dollars for possibly sharing 24 songs over the mostly defunct Kazaa file-sharing network.
Let’s take that into perspective.
Purchasing the same songs through a service such as iTunes would have cost $24.
That means – at least in terms of cost recovery – that the studio is recouping what it would have cost for each of those songs to be purchased legitimately 80,000 times.
I don’t care who the music artists were – 80,000 downloads PER SONG seems a bit far-fetched when taking into account that this was only a single file-sharing person.
Given an average download time of 2 minutes per song with a broadband internet connection, it would have taken 64,000 hours to download that amount of material.
64,000 hours equals 2,666 days.
2,666 days equals roughly 7 years.
Yes, I do understand that many people can download and upload the same file simultaneously.
Let’s assume there were constantly seven people downloading song of this lady’s computer at all times.
That would have still taken 1 year to accomplish – 1 year of non-stop internet connectivity with Kazaa ALWAYS running.
Is it just me, or does that seem a wee bit hard to believe?
Would you rather give up a kidney and maybe part of your liver instead of paying $1,920,000 at a lawyer’s equivalent of knife-point?
